At a pre-birth class for couples who had already had at least one child, the instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child.
"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into this family.' But think about that. Ladies, what would you say if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much, I decided to bring home another wife?'"
One of the women immediately responded, "Does she cook?"
My little niece, Kelly, went with a neighbor girl to church for First Communion practice. The pastor had the children cup their hands and when he gave them the "Host," in this case, a piece of bread, he said, "God be with you."
Apparently, this made quite an impression on my niece. She went home and told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelly took a piece of bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands and whispered, in her most angelic voice, "God will get you."
The Things Kids Eat
Panicking when her toddler swallowed a tiny magnet, my sister, Betty, rushed him to the emergency room.
"He'll be fine," the doctor promised her. "The magnet should pass through his system in a day or two."
"How will I be sure?" she pressed.
"Well," the doctor suggested, "you could stick him on the refrigerator. When he falls off, you'll know."
The Silent Treatment
A husband and wife had a huge argument and ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, he asked, "Do you know where my white dress shirt is?"
"Oh, so now you're speaking to me?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?"
"No. I just thought we were getting along!"
"That was nice of you to set up a blind date for your ex-boyfriend."
"I know, but I don't hold any grudges."
"I'm surprised he trusted you enough to agree to go out with her."
"Well, I had to swear to him she's Jennifer Lopez's double."
"Wow! Is that true?"
"I wouldn't lie. She's twice her weight and twice her age!"
It's Stress Related
A young woman was worried about her stress related habit of biting her fingernails, so her friend advised her to take up yoga. She did and soon, her fingernails were growing normally.
Her friend asked her if yoga had totally cured her nervousness.
"No," she replied, "but now I can reach my toe nails, so I just bite them instead!"
Sealed with Love
While my brother was stationed overseas, his wife wrote to him daily. For an added touch, she'd always scribble little abbreviated notes on the outside of the envelope.
One day, my brother received a letter with the familiar "SWL" message on the envelope. He noticed that the letter was sealed with tape and chuckled when he read this notation written by a postal employee: "Love didn't stick. Resealed in Seattle."
Both sides of our family turned out for my wife's college graduation. After the dean finished awarding all of the diplomas, he requested, "Will all the cum laudes please stand up?"
My mother-in-law leaned over and whispered, "Wow! The Cum Laude family sure has a lot of kids!"
Daughter's First Date
Doug asks, "I know you're crazy about that little daughter of yours, Bill. What are you going to do when she starts to date?"
Bill says, "I figure I'll take the first young man aside, put my arm around his shoulder and pull him close to me so that only he can hear."
"Then I'll say, 'Do you see that sweet, little young lady? She's my only daughter and I love her very much. If you were thinking about touching, kissing or being physically affectionate to her in any way, just remember, I don't mind going back to prison.'"
A guest at dinner noticed the small family dog looking hungrily at every bite she took. Finally, she took a small piece of meat from her plate and held it up for him.
"Speak!" she said to the dog.
The dog answered, "Under the circumstances, I hardly know what to say!"
I was sitting in the foyer of a bank when a young man walked by and then stopped for a moment on his way out. I noticed that one of the latches on his overstuffed briefcase was unfastened, putting strain on the remaining latch.
"You're going to lose the contents of your briefcase," I warned him.
Just then, the case burst open.
He stared at me with something akin to fear in his eyes as he gasped, "How on earth did you do that?"
With This Ring
My husband, Mike, and I had several stressful months of financial difficulties. So, one evening, I was touched to see him gazing at the diamond wedding ring that symbolized our marriage.
"With this ring," I began romantically.
"We could pay off the Visa," he responded.
Leroy goes to the revival and listens to the preacher. After awhile, the preacher asks anyone with needs to be prayed over to come forward to the front of the altar. Leroy gets in line and when it's his turn, the preacher asks, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replies, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."
The preacher puts one finger in Leroy's ear and he places the other hand on top of Leroy's head and prays and prays and prays. After a few minutes, the preacher removes his hands, stands back and asks, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"
"Leroy says, "I don't know, Reverend. It's not until next Wednesday."
I Need a Refund
A parishioner asked his minister, "Is it proper for a man to profit from the mistakes of another?"
"Are you absolutely certain?"
"Yes, my son. Absolutely."
"In that case, I wonder if you'd mind returning that $25 I gave you after my wedding."
A crew of highway maintenance workers were sent to repair some road signs that vandals had knocked down in a forested area. The first one they put back up was a symbol warning of a deer crossing the road.
As they moved down the road to repair the next sign, one member of the crew looked back and spotted a deer running across the highway. She turned to a co-worker and said, "I wonder how long he's been waiting to cross."
A nurse noticed a man in golf attire pacing up and down outside the operating room where another golfer, who had a golf ball driven down his throat, was being treated.
"Is he a relative of yours?" the nurse, stepping outside the room, asked the pacing golfer.
"No," replied the man. "That's my ball!"
The Prison Quartet
While I was preaching at a church in Mississippi, the pastor announced that their prison quartet would be singing the following evening. I wasn't aware there was a prison in the vicinity and I looked forward to hearing them.
The next evening, I was puzzled when four members of the church approached the stage. Then the pastor introduced them.
"This is our prison quartet," he said. "Behind a few bars and always looking for the key."
At a wedding ceremony I was performing, I raised my hand to give the final blessing.
The bride misunderstood my gesture and surprised me with a high five.
Not wanting to exclude the groom, I offered him a high five too.
I was finally able to get my blessing in, amid the laughter of the guests.
Need a Pen?
A patient at the dental office where I was a receptionist stopped by my desk to pay her bill. She began rummaging through her purse, as so many patients did when they had a check to write.
"Do you need a pen?" I asked, offering her the use of mine.
"Yes, thank you," she replied. She took it, put it in her handbag and proceeded to pay in cash.
A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The personnel manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.
She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as, five years salary for life insurance, a month's sick leave and they paid the full premiums."
"I can't help but asking, madam, why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.
The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt."
Letter of Recommendation
When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head of human resources. "Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter the next day.
The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. It read, "Jonathan Peters worked for our company for eleven years. When he left us, we were very satisfied."
Determined to have one last, lazy day of fishing before the summer's end, I purposely ignored the leaky faucet and the broken gate. They were only household projects that had awaited me all summer.
When my wife asked, "What are you going to do today?" I grinned and answered, "It starts with F and ends with ISH."
"Oh, good," she replied. "You're finally going to FinISH up those projects!"
A man and his wife are sitting in the living room watching a drama about a man who lost consciousness and went into a coma.
He says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. If that ever happens to me, just pull the plug."
So, his wife gets up and unplugs the TV.
One woman was talking to her friend.
"You should listen to my neighbor," she said. "She is always bad-mouthing her poor husband behind his back. I think that's so rude. Look at me! My husband is fat, lazy and cheap, but have you ever heard me say a bad word about him?"
Sam and Ruth from Maine had just bought a new car when winter hit with all its fury.
"I wonder if the car has seat warmers," Ruth said.
"It sure does," said Sam, looking through the owner's manual. "Here it is: rear defrosters."
Calling Off Work
Our local newspaper ran several stories about a study that tied female obesity to a virus. One evening, my sister came home exhausted from a long day at work.
"Did you read the paper?" she asked. "I'm not going in to work tomorrow. I'm calling in fat!"
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with the man at the insurance agency.
During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today and tomorrow he dies. What will I get?"
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
Taking a Shower
I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.
"Where's your mother?" I asked.
"She said she was going to take a shower. Just a second and I'll see."
Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.
An indignant yell came from above.
Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yep, she's in the shower."
I was waiting tables at a country club when an elegantly dressed woman spilled Manhattan clam chowder all over her white linen skirt. She began furiously dabbing at it with a napkin.
Having plenty of experience with getting out feed stains, I asked, "Can I bring you some club soda?"
"Young lady," she barked, "I'll be the judge of when I've had enough to drink. Bring me another martini!"
Just Ask Me
On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist. The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.
I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.
Instead, she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me!"
Living a Fantasy
A wild-eyed man dressed like Napoleon with his right hand inside his coat entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."
"I can see that. Lie down on the couch and tell me about your problem."
"I don't have a problem. In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want. Money, women, power, everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."
"I see," said the doctor. "And what seems to be her problem?"
"For some strange reason, she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
Here's Your Diploma
A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy.
Each time she put something in the basket, she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma" or, "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma" and so on.
Eventually, a bewildered shopper who had heard all this, finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"
The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!"
Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning and right away, I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me, he used really bad language and he even threatened me!"
"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.Jill said, "Well, we met by accident.
- I hit him with the car."
On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.
"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street.
The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.
"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"
"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.
The boy had an answer to every question his father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're apt to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"
Burglary Gone Wrong
A jeweler standing behind the counter of his shop after hours was astounded to see a suspicious looking man in a black ski mask come hurling head first through the window.
"What on earth are you up to? What happened?" he demanded.
"I'm terribly sorry," said the man. "I forgot to let go of the brick."
Because my mother had a habit of losing her cordless phone, I bought her a phone with a clip on it, so she could attach it directly to her belt.
A few days later, I walked into my mother's home and found her standing in the middle of the living room, halfway dressed. That didn't strike me as odd so much as the fact that she was holding her pants to the side of her head and speaking into them.
"Don't look at me that way," she yelled. "The phone started ringing and I couldn't figure out how to undo this stupid clip!"
Booking the Honeymoon
For our honeymoon, my fiancee and I chose a fashionable hotel known for its luxurious suites.
When I called to make reservations, the desk clerk inquired, "Is this for a special occasion?"
"Yes," I replied. "It's our honeymoon."
"And how many adults will there be?" she asked.
Chatting with my mother-in-law, I asked, "Have you heard of this company that takes the cremated ashes of your loved one and then compresses the carbon into a diamond?"
"Yes," she said, smirking. "It brings a whole new meaning to the phrase 'family jewels.'"
One of my college friends asked a group of us for advice on organizing his final report for the year.
"Why don't you use Roman numerals to head the different sections?" another friend suggested.
"I already thought of that," he replied. "But my keyboard doesn't have Roman numerals on it."
Pass It On
My husband and I were at a restaurant with his boss, a rather stern older man. When my husband began a story, which I was sure he had told before, I gave him a kick under the table.
There was no response, so I gave him another poke. Still the story went on. Suddenly, he stopped, grinned and said, "Oh, but I've told you this one before, haven't I?"
We all chuckled and changed the subject. Later, on the dance floor, I asked my husband why it had taken him so long to get my message.
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I cut the story off as soon as you kicked me."
"But I kicked you twice and it still took you awhile to stop!"
Suddenly, we realized what had happened. Sheepishly, we returned to our table.
His boss smiled and said, "Don't worry. After the second one, I figured it wasn't for me, so I passed it along."
You Look Fine
I was in New York's Grand Central Terminal on my way to visit friends in Connecticut. I had never taken the trip before and was wondering if I needed to switch trains in Stamford.
Walking to the train, I saw the conductor and asked, "Do I need to change?"
"No," he replied immediately. "You're fine the way you are. Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your outfit. Very coordinated!"
Fear of Flying
Our co-worker kept trying to get her mother to fly out for a visit.
"No way am I getting on an airplane," was the inevitable answer.
"Look, Mom. When it's your time to go, it doesn't matter if you're on the ground or in the air."
"I know," said her mother. "I just don't want to be that far off the ground when it's the pilot's time to go."
Amish & Muslim
An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking from his pond with his hand.
The Amish man shouts: "Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.
- This translates:
- Don't drink the water; the cows have shit in it."
The man shouts back: "I am a Muslim and I don't understand. Please speak in English."
The Amish man says: "Use two hands; you'll get more."
A recent widow was crying to a grief counselor.
"We were married twenty-five years before he died," she said, dabbing away a tear. "Never had an argument in all those years."
"Amazing," said the counselor. "How did you do it?"
"I outweighed him by forty pounds and he was a coward."
My Dad's Work
When I was a kid, my dad and I had a running joke. If anyone asked what he did for a living, I always said, "He's a sports mechanic. He fixes boxing matches and horse races."
Once I answered a teacher this way. She flipped out and summoned my parents. Dad calmed her down by explaining it was a joke.
"So, what do you do?" she asked.
Dad, a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company said, "I sell drugs."
A mainframe computer on which everyone in the office depended suddenly went down.
They tried everything, but it still wouldn't work. Finally, they decided to call in a high-powered computer consultant.
He arrived, looked at the computer, took out a small hammer and tapped it on the side. Instantly, the computer leapt back to life. Two days later, the office manager received a bill from the consultant for $1,000.
Immediately, he called the consultant and exclaimed, "One thousand dollars for fixing that computer? You were only here five minutes. I want the bill itemized!"
The next day, the new bill arrived.
- The Bill read:
- Tapping computer with hammer: $1
- Knowing where to tap: $999
Happy Hour In Texas
A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas .
A sign in front of a restaurant reads:
- HAPPY HOUR SPECIAL
- Lobster Tail and Beer
"Lord almighty" he says to himself,
"my three favorite things!!"
I think I am going to make a great father someday, because I really have a way with kids. Take the other day for example.
I was in Taekwondo class standing next to a nine or ten-year-old kid. I was watching him out of the corner of my eye while we did punches in the air.
I saw him punching with his wrist bent. Instead of a straight line from his knuckles to his elbow, he was pointing his knuckles down at the end of every punch. This is a problem when you do finally hit a solid target, because you will break your wrist.
With the aim of helping him out and correcting his mistake, I grabbed him after class and led him over to one of the heavy bags.
"I noticed a mistake in your form," I told him, "and I want to show you how to correct it." "Here, take a fighting stance. Now, punch the bag as hard as you can!"
He threw a vicious over-handed punch and let out a scream as his wrist buckled and he collapsed to the floor cradling his forearm.
"Now," I continued, "let me show you what you did wrong!"
First Camping Trip
Some Boy Scouts from the big city were on a camping trip for the first time.
The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.
Then one of them saw some lightening bugs and said to his friend, "We might as well give up. Now they're coming after us - -
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a Big Fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
Be careful what you say around children,
A friend, who worked away from home all week, always made a special effort with his family on the weekends.
Every Sunday morning he would take his 7-year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some bonding time.
One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and really didn't feel like being up at all.
Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather. "Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?"
"Oh yes, PaPa" the girl replied, "and do you know what? We didn't see a single dumb bastard or lousy shit head!"
Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Get Your Eyes Checked
My friend, Don, a minor-league umpire, is used to being heckled by fans. But imagine his surprise when he was rushing to umpire an exhibition game at Coors Field in Denver.
After a long search for a place to change clothes, Don finally located a room with a neatly lettered sign that read: "Dressing Room, Umpires Only!"
As he was about to go in, however, he inspected the sign more closely. Below the printed legend was the same message,
written in Braille.
Taste in Music
Driving home from church one Sunday, the father turned the radio to a country and western station.
"How can you stand that stuff?" complained his 16-year-old son. "It's all about lonesome cowboys, gunfights, bar rooms and broken hearts."
Knowing his son preferred more modern music, the dad asked, "Well, what's your music about?"
"That's the beauty of it," the son said.
"You just don't know!"
Since I was processing my first accident report at the transport company where I worked, I was being particularly attentive.
The driver had hit a deer on the highway and the result was a severely damaged hood and fender.
My serious mood was broken, however, when I reached the section of the report that asked, "Speed of other vehicle?"
The driver had put, "Full gallop."
Telling Twins Apart
Recently, a young woman came into my father's insurance office with her newborn twins. Dad asked her if she ever had any trouble telling them apart.
She gave him a funy look before responding, "No, I haven't had any problem.
This is Benjamin and this is Elizabeth."
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